Archive for December, 2012

Bain Deserves a Fair Trial

December 8, 2012

by Jack Locke

Canada is gaining a reputation for being the land of peculiar fishing lodge owners.

First there was Red Green, in the TV comedy series of the same name. Now Richard Henry Bain has taken over the unflattering mantel as Canada’s most well-known lodge owner.

Bain, who is currently under arrest for allegedly murdering two persons outside the hall where Premier Pauline Marois was giving her victory speech, has a very serious problem. Numerous serious problems.

Why he went on a hunting trip in the middle of Montreal is a mystery? Perhaps the court’s psychiatric examination that has only now been ordered will explain his action. I do not know how he could have mistaken the two persons for moose? If his intentions were to rid Quebec of evil separatists, he chose a misguided plan.

According to news reports, the murders were not the actions of one man alone. If Bain’s recent court outbursts are correct, Jesus was the mastermind behind the tragic event.

Now, it is well-known that in Quebec the English are treated like les chiens. Of course, in Quebec, dogs at puppy mills are often treated like the English.

It could make a sane man go mad, no doubt. I myself have considered…moving.

The insanity bred from living in remote areas witnessed weekly on television with Red Green, the fictional character played by Steve Smith, at his Possum Lodge is not so far from reality. The characters on this show were fit to be tied—with duct tape, of course.

Now, the Sûreté du Quebec, Quebec’s national/provincial police, use extra heavy-duty duct tape to bind Bain’s wrists together. Now that Bain’s weapons have been removed from his possession, I do not think such measures are necessary. I could be wrong.

Whether lodge owner Bain was politically motivated or psycho-pathologically motivated is a tough question. The nightgown he was wearing on the night of the fracas is perfectly in keeping with Anglophone tradition. I have seen many a neighbour walking the streets of Westmount at night in their nightgowns.

Of course, most neighbours do not carry their loaded handguns on the streets, thank goodness.

It is very presumptuous for Premier Marois to suggest publicly that Bain was out to get her, to assassinate the leader of the National Assembly. Why would any right-minded fishing lodge owner want to prevent further linguistic bullying in Canada?

With Marois’ inappropriate pronouncements, Bain’s opportunity for a fair trial have all been thrust upon the outhouse floor. It will be interesting to see whether his lawyer asks for a change of venue to, let’s say, Toronto.

His legal council, Elfriede Duclervil, was denied access to her client upon his initial confinement, then surprised when her client spoke to a radio station for half-an-hour while under confinement. Obviously, women are not given equal opportunity at the Possum Lodge, nor at La Belle Province jail.

A fair trial will not be possible for Monsieur Bain. Imagine a jury of 12 Parti Quebecois supporters. If the issues were not so serious, they would be serious.

Now, it seems the Gouvernement du Quebec is going full steam ahead to wipe out any remaining rights or opportunities Anglophones may possess. Bill 101 is not the Charter of the French Language, it is the Charter to defecate on the English. C’est ça.

And Bain has become their bane, a scapegoat, a reason to clamp down on legal dissent.

I cannot imagine what kind of treatment Bain would receive if he were declared unable to stand trial due to mental illness. Oh, the separatists at the mental hospital would have a heyday.

He is a man, but we can change that, if we have to, hehehe.

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Pauline, Pauline, daughter of Marois

December 6, 2012

Pauline, Pauline, daughter of Marois
Bill 101 has teeth like piranhua
Your consul is top
But tell ’em to stop
Inhaling the French marijuanua.

I Have a Dream… Bill 101

December 6, 2012

by Jacques Lacque, Guest Columnist

The Parti Québecois government has released its draft improvements to Bill 101, but these changes are weak. Last night I have had a dream, a dream that one day Québec becomes a nation, a nation like once Québec was — as prosperous as it was in 1705.

It is a horrible thing to impose unequal rights on citizens, but nothing in this world is truly equal, you know? And so my dream Bill 101 would make Québec and the French language more equal, you know? More equal, yes, I like that idea.

The first thing I would suggest is that the name of The Montréal Gazette and all English media outlets be changed to reflect the real values of Québec people. For example, The Gazette could be purchased by the Festival International de Jazz de Montréal and renamed La Jazzette. It has a much more melodic sound, Jazzette. Frankly, the English letters G and J are so confusing, we must through careful legislation promote more conformity for the survival of the french language.

The second measure that ought to be implemented to ensure Québec culturelle tastes survive is the creation of a Québec navy, La Navelle. Not to become a military force, but to ensure the growth of the Beluga whale caviar industry. Yummm.

The navy would ensure that all Beluga eggs are collected for consumption by loyal Québecois and Québecoise. The St. Lawrence Seaway would be cleaned down and protected to ensure it becomes a pure shipping laine. No more polluting by English ships passing through our waters. Non!

All ships registered in English-speaking countries would be guided through our waters, taxed, and ushered away. We do not need English sailors stopping in our ports, you know?

Of course, before starting a Québec navy we would have to hold a referendum where the people would have the right to boat.

The third change to the Charter of the French Language would be to ban English Breakfast tea. What an abomination! Tea at breakfast is contrary to our values. Colonization before lunch is disgûsting, you know?

As I dreamt, the ideas just kept flowing. The myriad ways to promote unequality are unlimited. Yes, the already limited English corporations must become more limited. Walmart Limited could become, Walmart Très Limited. Second Cup must reflect la langue français and could become La Premiére Second Cup. The proprietary trade names would be respected but all trade names must exchange their anglican roots for a more all embracing, or catholic, french name.

Most important would be to impose a name change upon Bell. They should be forced to become cloched or closed, you know? Everyone knows that Alexandre Graham Cloche was forced to change his name to fit into Anglo-American society. We must fix the grave injustices of histoire.

But the best change that I dreamt up was to force the biggest corporation in the world to reflect the Québec reality. This will be a very important jobs. We must force Apple to become just another pomme on the tree, you know? Ordinateur Pomme, has a very nice ring to it. I-tele, also brings music to my ears.

But Québec must be open to compromise, and tolerant of the English scourge. Therefore Apple would be permitted to become Appel. I call upon Apple to become Appel. It is such a small, but important, change.

These are just the first changes to Bill 101 that must be adopted, you know. Tonight I shall dream of more improvements to Bill 101. Rêvé Québec Rêvé!