I Have a Dream… Bill 101

by Jacques Lacque, Guest Columnist

The Parti Québecois government has released its draft improvements to Bill 101, but these changes are weak. Last night I have had a dream, a dream that one day Québec becomes a nation, a nation like once Québec was — as prosperous as it was in 1705.

It is a horrible thing to impose unequal rights on citizens, but nothing in this world is truly equal, you know? And so my dream Bill 101 would make Québec and the French language more equal, you know? More equal, yes, I like that idea.

The first thing I would suggest is that the name of The Montréal Gazette and all English media outlets be changed to reflect the real values of Québec people. For example, The Gazette could be purchased by the Festival International de Jazz de Montréal and renamed La Jazzette. It has a much more melodic sound, Jazzette. Frankly, the English letters G and J are so confusing, we must through careful legislation promote more conformity for the survival of the french language.

The second measure that ought to be implemented to ensure Québec culturelle tastes survive is the creation of a Québec navy, La Navelle. Not to become a military force, but to ensure the growth of the Beluga whale caviar industry. Yummm.

The navy would ensure that all Beluga eggs are collected for consumption by loyal Québecois and Québecoise. The St. Lawrence Seaway would be cleaned down and protected to ensure it becomes a pure shipping laine. No more polluting by English ships passing through our waters. Non!

All ships registered in English-speaking countries would be guided through our waters, taxed, and ushered away. We do not need English sailors stopping in our ports, you know?

Of course, before starting a Québec navy we would have to hold a referendum where the people would have the right to boat.

The third change to the Charter of the French Language would be to ban English Breakfast tea. What an abomination! Tea at breakfast is contrary to our values. Colonization before lunch is disgûsting, you know?

As I dreamt, the ideas just kept flowing. The myriad ways to promote unequality are unlimited. Yes, the already limited English corporations must become more limited. Walmart Limited could become, Walmart Très Limited. Second Cup must reflect la langue français and could become La Premiére Second Cup. The proprietary trade names would be respected but all trade names must exchange their anglican roots for a more all embracing, or catholic, french name.

Most important would be to impose a name change upon Bell. They should be forced to become cloched or closed, you know? Everyone knows that Alexandre Graham Cloche was forced to change his name to fit into Anglo-American society. We must fix the grave injustices of histoire.

But the best change that I dreamt up was to force the biggest corporation in the world to reflect the Québec reality. This will be a very important jobs. We must force Apple to become just another pomme on the tree, you know? Ordinateur Pomme, has a very nice ring to it. I-tele, also brings music to my ears.

But Québec must be open to compromise, and tolerant of the English scourge. Therefore Apple would be permitted to become Appel. I call upon Apple to become Appel. It is such a small, but important, change.

These are just the first changes to Bill 101 that must be adopted, you know. Tonight I shall dream of more improvements to Bill 101. Rêvé Québec Rêvé!

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